It depends on a range of factors:

• What your role is and how much authority you have compared to the people who will be balking. If you have authority over them, it’s much easier to say, “This is the system, and you’re expected to learn and use it.” If you don’t, those efforts are generally doomed, at least without someone who does have authority backing you up.  What’s more, not only is it hard/impossible to insist people learn new systems when you don’t have authority over them, it’s generally not appropriate either. In that context, you should lay out the case for the system you think will best serve your team, and be clear about pros and cons, but then it’s up to someone else to decide if they want to prioritize making everyone learn it.

• How essential the technology is to the goals it needs to achieve. If the technology is the only way of achieving what you need to achieve, then it’s pretty clear cut. But sometimes there are other ways of doing the same thing. They might be slightly more expensive, or less efficient, or more unwieldy. But sometimes people are willing to tolerate a little unwieldiness in exchange for not having to teach 15 people a complicated new system when the old one does get the job done, just less elegantly.

• How essential those goals themselves are to your team and company. If your team absolutely must achieve X, and that requires learning a new software, then it’s essential and that’s that. People might not like it, but if X has to happen, there’s not much room for argument. But on the other hand, if X is a nice-to-have rather than a must-have, your team (or its decision makers) might end up deciding that as nice as X would be, it’s not worth forcing people to learn a new and complicated system that seems likely to cause angst. So you have to balance the importance of what you’ll achieve over the price that will be paid for achieving it. And while you might think that people’s complaints about having to learn something new should never trump what a new system could achieve, there are times when it does – for instance, when their time is incredibly valuable and better spent on something other than a tedious learning process.

In your case, I’d go back to the director, tell her what the trade-offs are between the two types of systems, and ask her for guidance. You could even prepare a recommendation that offers two different systems – laying out the advantages and disadvantages of each. When you do this, you want to be very upfront about your concerns that some people on staff will balk at learning the new technology of the more sophisticated system. Don’t downplay those concerns because you think those people are in the wrong; if you do, and then the new system never takes off because people resist it, its failure might potentially reflect on you. You’ll boost your own credibility by being honest about the likely reception on your team.

My manager recently told me that she doesn’t like the way I handle mistakes. I do make mistakes, and they’re not always trivial ones, but I usually try to fix them and move on. Apparently since I don’t inform her when this happens, it’s coming across to her as me not taking responsibility or seeming “cavalier” about my work quality. But I don’t understand what she’s looking for. Can you help?

Well, first, you need to know what’s going on in your manager’s head when she learns that you’ve made a mistake. Beyond thinking about the repercussions of the mistake itself, she’s worrying about what it means for the larger picture: Did the mistake happen because of sloppy work habits or was this one isolated incident? Is there a fundamental problem with your systems or approach to the work? Do you realize that this is a big deal, or are you shrugging it off and thus likely to let something similar happen in the future?

Once you understand this, the formula for handling a mistake well becomes more intuitive: Tell your boss what happened, take responsibility for it, and tell her how you’ll ensure it doesn’t happen again.

If you don’t do each of those steps, you leave your boss wondering if she can trust that similar mistakes won’t happen again.

After all, if you don’t tell her what happened, or if you put it off out of fear of the conversation, you’re sending the message that you value your own comfort over the needs of the work.

Taking responsibility means using words like: “I really messed this up. I’m sorry.” (In fact, the more concerned you seem, the less likely she is to feel she needs to impress the severity on you. If you proactively show that you get it, there’s no need for her to underscore it.) But if you instead act like it wasn’t a big deal or get defensive about it, you can actually compound the damage: Your boss will be far more alarmed that you don’t really care that you made a mistake than she will be by the mistake itself. Rather than making the mistake less noticeable, what will really stand out is that you’re not taking responsibility for it.

The third step – telling your boss how it happened and how you plan to ensure it doesn’t happen again – isn’t so much that she wants to know as it is that she wants to know that you know. And that’s because if you don’t understand how it happened, you’re not well equipped to keep it from happening again.

You’re going to make mistakes from time to time, and any halfway sane boss knows that. As long as your mistakes remain occasional and not constant, how you handle them will be what matters most.

Here are the 10 worst pieces of work advice that readers reported hearing.

1. Say whatever it takes to close the sale

“’Say whatever you need to say to close the sale. Then we can worry about resetting expectations.’ This from a seasoned sales manager. I wasn’t in sales, so he wasn’t saying it directly to me, but this is what he was telling his sales reps to do re: the professional services I was responsible for managing.”

2. Major in anything and figure it out later

“’Major in whatever you want and then figure it out later.’ What was helpful when I was having panic attacks at 18 wasn’t so helpful when I was having panic attacks about what I’d do post-graduation at age 21. So then I went to grad school because it seemed like the safe, familiar choice, for a major that (turns out) needs a doctorate to do anything with it. And I don’t want a doctorate. Plus, I took out student loans that I’ll be paying back till my yet-to-be-born kids go to college. (I fully recognize these are my own choices; just wish someone had slapped me upside the head and said, ‘No!’)

If I were to do it all over again, I might still pick my undergrad major, but I’d get my act together more about what I’d do post-college before the spring semester of my senior year and seriously consider what kind of life I wanted post-college rather than my at-the-time “dream job,” which has a lifestyle that, turns out, I really don’t like or ever want.”

3. Baked goods and snacks

“’Always bring cookies or other snacks to any meeting you hold, otherwise your coworkers will not be able to focus for an hour-long meeting.’ This advice from my female boss to myself and other female coworkers only.

4. Nuclear submarine captain

“The funniest bit of bad advice I got was when I was seeking advice from my graduate institution’s career center about alternative careers that could make use of the skills associated with my history doctorate so I didn’t have to begin again from scratch. Their suggested alternative? Captain of a nuclear submarine. Truly.”

5. Write your resume in crayon

“The summer after I graduated from college in 1984, I said something to my father about needing to borrow a typewriter to prepare cover letters. He decided I was just stalling the job application process and said that I could use a crayon and a paper bag because it would show an employer I would do anything to get a job.

It would certainly show a prospective employer something, but probably not anything I would want anybody to know! My brother and I found it particularly strange since our father was the president of a small company and would never have considered a cover letter written in crayon on a paper bag.”

6. Management by happy hour

“When I was in my first management job, I had inherited a staff with a  lot of problems. People weren’t doing good work and there were definite work ethic problems on the team. A coworker told me that I needed to focus on getting them to like me and improve their morale before I’d be able to do anything about the problems, and that I should take them out for team dinners and try to cultivate a fun atmosphere in the department. I had no idea what I was doing, so I listened to her – and no surprise, the problems got worse. They assumed I was more of a friend than a manager and that there was no accountability for their performance, and it was nearly impossible for me to establish any authority or consequences after that. In management jobs since then, I’ve been careful to make it clear from the beginning that while I want them to enjoy their jobs, we’re there first and foremost to work, and I don’t have any problem calling people out on bad work – whether it makes them ‘not like me’ or not! As a result, I’ve ended up overseeing teams that are highly productive (and where most people are pretty happy, to boot).”

7. Too ugly to be a secretary

“My best friend’s mother’s advice to her: ‘You better make sure to learn how to do hair because you are too ugly to be a secretary.’ The friend is now a consultant at a top firm and makes great money.”

8. You can deliver pizza and fix their network connection

“I was a Senior Software Engineer, and my whole division was laid off. The first words out of my parents’ mouths when I told them the bad news? ‘You should deliver pizzas!’ I tried to explain that pizza delivery didn’t fit with my career goals (stay in software development) or financial responsibilities (primary breadwinner for a family of five), so I was going to focus on software jobs for the time being. They accused me of thinking I was too good for honest work.”

9. Exactly what interviewers don’t want to read

“’Print and bind a copy of your Master’s thesis and bring it to job interviews so that they can see your research.’ From my MA thesis advisor, on my search for (non-academic, non-research-focused) NGO jobs. Best advice I ever ignored.”

10. Magical powers of the Sunday newspaper

“The worst advice I recall was when I was job searching to move to my present city. My mother got on a kick about the Sunday paper and its central importance in looking for jobs, and how I absolutely had to have it. Much talking about this, and over the course of a couple weeks much inquiring about whether I had the Sunday paper and worrying over the fact that I did not have it, etc.

It finally culminated in her calling on a Sunday afternoon while I was spending time with some friends, and absolutely insisting that it was Sunday, that I needed the Sunday paper NOW NOW NOW, and otherwise any progress in my job search would be delayed for an entire week. She was upset over this. I had not yet learned boundaries and was not so good with the strategic untruth, so I actually physically went to the convenience store and actually acquired the totem item. Left it on the basement floor and went on with what I was doing. I had the Sunday paper, so she was satisfied.

The thing stayed on the floor until it turned yellow and I threw it out. I ultimately got a job from an ad on Craigslist, naturally.”

Photo Credit © dancespirit.com

Here’s the question, with our experts’ responses below:

I work in an organization that has frequent changes in policies, which requires ongoing adaptation to our assessment and decision-making processes. How do I manage older employees who are struggling to learn to use new processes and technology, resulting in significant time lags in completing their work? Many of these employees have had an excellent track record in their work but are unable to adapt to new systems and skills. I get so frustrated that I wind up doing the work for them, but then too much burden is on me!

In addition, how do I deal with employee resistance to and frequent anxiety around constant systemic changes?

Alison Green says:

I’d start by having a big-picture conversation with them about the type of environment you’re all working in. For instance: “We’re in an organization that has frequent changes in how we do things. This happens because ___. It means that we need to assume it’s going to happen with some frequency, plan for it, and figure out how to adapt when it does. I know that it’s not necessarily what you’d choose, but it’s the reality here.”

This step is important, because you need to establish that this is the way things are, whether it’s ideal or not. It’s the context you’re working in, it’s not going to change, and part of the job is being able to successfully work within that context.

Then, ask what you can do to help make it easier on people, with the caveat that “make it stop happening” isn’t an option. For instance, would people like professional training on new processes or software? Do they want extra lead time to learn a new process before it’s officially implemented? Do you need to adjust productivity expectations for a few weeks after something changes? (And is it reasonable to do so?) Do they just want you to hear that they find it frustrating but they can move on from there?

In other words, be clear with everyone that this is part of the job and see what they need to succeed in that environment. And you especially want to be clear with prospective job candidates, because not everyone thrives in this type of environment, and you want them to have the chance to self-select out if it’s not for them. (You should also hire for the ability to quickly adapt when you’re making new hires in the future, since it seems like this is a key skill in your workplace.)

Alexandra Levit says:

The good news is, you are not alone. In fact, the issues you describe are so common that we recently addressed them in two recent Fast Track posts, How to Cope with Uncertainty, and 6 Types of Change Resisters Who Are Holding Back Progress.

Beyond the advice given there, I would say to make sure that you are explaining the big picture rationale for undertaking each new process, move to a new technology, etc. Employees, understandably, are less fond of change for change’s sake. Why is the organization moving in this direction, and what will the negative consequences be if the change is not implemented?

Next, you need to establish a clear deadline for incorporating the change into everyday operations. Do not allow employees to stall and do not take on their workload, as this will only prolong everyone’s pain. If necessary, secure mentors for the struggling employees to help get them on track, or take an afternoon to sit down with them yourself and go through the new processes step by step. Once this additional training has occurred, consider using a project management system like Quickbase to ensure compliance.

When faced with resistance of this nature, it’s always a good idea to motivate employees by turning the discussion to why adaptation of these new processes and skills is good for them in addition to being good for you and the organization. For instance, you might tell them that 100 percent of employees on the job market today are required to at least understand the cloud, and they will be neither marketable nor competitive if they don’t keep current.

If your employees seem genuinely anxious, show empathy. It is, after all, difficult to change your approach after you have been doing things a certain way for dozens of years. Let them know that you are a sympathetic ear and suggest stress management techniques to lessen strong emotions – but still insist that they get with the program. Your team’s productivity depends on it.

Anita Bruzzese says:

Reverse mentoring may be just the ticket for your situation.

Try pairing younger employees with older workers so that the younger employees can help older workers benefit from their technological savvy. This strategy has the added benefit of allowing older workers to impart some of their experience and wisdom – such as how to deal with a difficult customer or develop better interpersonal skills – to younger workers.

Don’t be afraid to switch pairings as goals are met – this will help your team members get to know one another better and improve communications among them. Reinforce the message that such relationships are career development opportunities, a key in keeping workers engaged.

As for the resistance to change, you’re going to have to accept that this is just part of human nature. Many people will fight change whether it’s trying a new blend of coffee or adopting a new work process. But if you acknowledge that change can be hard – maybe even tell a story of someone who overcame a challenge – then workers will know that you’re with them in difficult times.

I’d suggest making sure you’re communicating the reasons that change is required – will it lead to new customers, make the organization more competitive or help cut costs? You may have to continually reinforce these messages, and perhaps meet one-on-one with employees who seem to be struggling.

It’s an important part of your job to help workers see change in a new light. Remind them change is not something to be feared, but an opportunity to keep growing and remain viable in the marketplace.

Finally, I’d also suggest you reach out to a senior mentor who can help you navigate some of these challenging management issues and also help you learn to delegate more effectively.

Eva Rykrsmith says:

Change the expectations. The expectation currently is that they can’t adapt and that’s acceptable because someone else will handle that for them. But change is inevitable and using technology is part of the job.

Savvy, adaptable professionals approach change in processes with, “I will get used to this,” and changes to technology with, “I will figure it out.” Young or old, you can help instill this mindset. Here’s how:

1. Highlight the positives of the change and explain why the change is beneficial and necessary.
2. Explain why it is important (for you, for them, and for the organization) for them to get on board with the change.
3. Show the data and the numbers if there are significant differences in adopters vs. non-adopters.
4. Set a goal for the whole team to 100% adoption—with a reward. This will foster a helpful, collaborative atmosphere around the change.
5. Provide instruction, education, coaching, and support during the adaptation period. Buddy up team members or request that the more savvy folks act as mentors.
6. Make it OK to ask for help, give them time to adapt, and provide support in the meantime.
7. Celebrate the accomplishment and know each time you follow this process it will get easier!

This takes more time and planning on the front end, but it will save you time in the long run!

My company has a written security policy requiring us to authenticate all requests we receive by phone or email before acting on the request or releasing any non-public information. This is a good policy, and necessary to protect both my company and our clients. All employees were required to sign an acknowledgement that we are aware of the policy.

Unfortunately, this policy is completely, totally, 100% ignored in my department. It’s not merely that we don’t follow it. It’s that absolutely no means exists by which we could follow it. There is no method whatsoever available to us to confirm that anyone who calls or writes really is who they claim to be — we take their word for it because we really have no alternative (unless doing absolutely no work could be considered an alternative).

Needless to say, this is a security vulnerability just waiting to blow up in our faces. I’ve mentioned it in email to both of my managers, and both of them failed to reply. Now, to my question (a 2-parter):

1. Is there some way I can approach this with management to get some action? I would like us to move toward a place where we can authenticate people and act in a way that protects both us and our clients. I see no progress (or even attempts at progress) on that front.

2. What steps do I need to take to protect myself? Sooner or later, an information leak is going to occur (assuming it has not happened already), and I don’t want to lose my job, or worse, be legally liable. With every call and email I respond to, I am in violation of a written company policy. Unfortunately, I have no alternative, as no authentication mechanism exists, and it’s impossible to perform any aspect of my job without responding to calls and emails.

It’s bad enough when companies have policies that they don’t bother to follow, and it’s even worse when the policy is an important one.

Start by talking with your manager. You say that you mentioned it in an email and got no response – but that’s not really the same as talking about it. Email is easy to inadvertently ignore or overlook, and it’s not well suited for important conversations.

So talk face-to-face. But when you do, it’s important to realize that your managers may have a different outlook on this than you do. They may have assessed the risk, assessed the resources needed to put in place a mechanism to allow you to authenticate people, and decided that – for right now, at least – the better business decision is to live with not being able to authenticate. And if that’s the case, chances are fairly good (although not certain) that they didn’t make this decision on their own, but with the involvement of people above them. In other words, it’s possible this is a deliberate trade-off that the company is making right now.

Or, that might not be the case at all. This might truly be an urgent issue that would be addressed immediately if the proper person knew about it. But because you don’t have the same context as your managers have, you shouldn’t default to assuming the latter – you want to account for both possibilities as you proceed.

That means that while you should absolutely talk with your managers about this, you should do so not with a tone of “this is an urgent crisis that you’re neglecting!” but rather a tone of  “this has been concerning me and I wanted to talk to you about it.”

If you talk with them and are told that they’re aware of the situation but that they’ve decided it’s okay not to enforce the policy for now, then it’s reasonable to say something like, “I feel a bit odd violating a written company policy with all the calls and emails I respond to, and I worry about being held accountable for that if an information leak does occur at some point. Would it be possible to update the policy so that it reflects how we’re actually working, so that we’re not in the uncomfortable position of doing the opposite of what it says?”

If they’re good managers, they should agree with you on the need to do this. But if they don’t, you can document your conversation by sending them an email afterwards, saying something like, “I want to confirm that we talked today about our policy on authentication and the fact that we can’t currently authenticate customer calls and emails. I’ll be following your guidance not to worry about authenticating until/unless I hear otherwise. Thanks for talking with me about it!”

That might be the best outcome that you can hope for in this situation, but at least you’ll have raised the issue to the attention of the appropriate people and covered yourself in the event of a future problem.

I work at a relatively small organization (40-50 employees) that recently expanded from having two levels of management (executive director and department managers) to adding a third level of project managers.  Our project managers were all internal hires, but some of our employees who have more years with the organization were not promoted because they were not the right fit for these positions. The positions involved more people/project managing, and though these employees are very good at their jobs, they had never shown any interest nor strengths in more traditional management skills and thus those areas had not been developed with them.

At this point, I have a few employees looking for “their promotions” because they feel they have been with the organization a long time and want to see opportunities for movement for themselves. We are not that big of an organization — there is only so much vertical movement that can occur and keep it healthy and well structured.  Frankly, I am dealing with problems from two directions.  From the staff, I am trying to figure out how to develop employees and maintain their job satisfaction when there are few opportunities for upward movement. But I also want to make sure they are developing in a way that they are ready to move up when and if opportunities arise as the organization continues to grow.  From above, I have pressure to retain employees at all costs, even if that would mean promoting them into some random position I would have to create.

I personally don’t have a problem with employees deciding they need to move on to meet their professional goals.  While I don’t want to lose them, I can completely understand that someone might need to make that decision.  I just (a) don’t want to end up having to destroy my department because of forced restructuring in order to retain employees and (b) don’t want people to move on because I wasn’t doing my job in trying to develop them as best I could within their current positions.

Well, first, you need to push back on whoever above is telling you to retain people at all costs. Retention should not be a goal in and of itself; retaining your top performers should be, but many times you should actually want to see others transition out. If your goal is retention, you’ll make all kinds of bad decisions, like counter-offering with a higher salary when a mediocre employee accepts another job, or tolerating low performance because you don’t want to fire people, or yes, promoting people who aren’t actually good promotion prospects for the organization. Your goal shouldn’t be retention; it should be to create a high-performing team, which means retaining your top people and moving out those who aren’t meeting a high bar.

So you need to push back with your upper management and advocate for practices that meet that goal – not retention-at-all-costs, which will undermine it significantly.

As for the question of how to develop employees “in place” when there aren’t likely to be promotions available to them because of fit, you can absolutely find ways for people to grow without moving to a new role, if you’re committed to it. For instance, are there ways they can improve their skills in their current roles? Development opportunities to expand their skills in ways that will be useful in their current work? Ways to give them increased responsibility (and accompanying salary increases) or a greater role in your department without moving them?

At the same time, it’s important to be transparent with people. If it’s not likely that someone will be a candidate for promotion because appropriate slots simply don’t exist, be honest with them about that. It’s far better for people to know than to have false hope, and they’re more likely to be resentful if they keep thinking promotion is a possibility but it never materializes. So talk to them about the situation and explain why it’s unlikely (small organization, not natural growth path, etc.). But simultaneously, talk to them about how they can grow where they are and make it clear that you’re eager to assist with those efforts if they want to pursue that path.

Frankly, this is the more pro-employee approach anyway. It’s not kind or helpful to people to move them into roles they won’t excel at, or to contort your department trying to create positions the organization doesn’t really need just to provide a false path of advancement. Do people the service of talking with them honestly about the situation, and let them make the decisions they feel are best for them – with your support either way.

1. When you’re the expert, talk like one

“When you are the expert, talk like you are the expert. Don’t be overly deferential or modify your statements with things like “I think” or “Maybe…” when you are talking to people who are in peers or are ranked higher in the organization.

This advice was from my boss in my first corporate job after years in publishing, to encourage me to be more assertive. I’m a woman, I was younger than everyone else on the team, and I was often in a position of having to tell our IT team — all older than me and 95% male — how I wanted things on our website. They wouldn’t always follow my directions exactly or in a timely fashion; instead they would follow their own opinions and regard my instructions as advice. When I started sounding more direct and assertive, they had more respect for my experience and my projects were done to my specifications and timeline.”

2. Praise publicly and criticize privately

“Praise publicly, criticize privately. You will need, at some point, to get cooperation and work out of someone who does not report to you, whose boss does not take an interest in your work, whose department does not give a rat’s butt about your department. If you cannot get people who do not report to you to work with you, you will be dead in the water.”

3. You’re the average of the people you spend time with

“Someone once told me, ‘You are the average of the 6 people you spend the most time with.’ Professionally, I took this to heart and made a point of networking with not only people who are generally successful, but also people who exhibit the kind of work habits I know I need to emulate.”

4. Never be good at anything you don’t want to do

“Never be good at anything you don’t want to do. Tongue somewhat in cheek — of course, as a junior person you have to get good at the grunt work before you’ll be given more interesting tasks. But as a general rule — the better you get at something, the more you’ll be asked to do it. The way to make sure your niche is what you want it to be is to make sure you’re best at those things!”

5. Don’t present problems without solutions

“When you present your boss with a problem, also come in with as much knowledge as possible and potential solutions. If I’m talking to a superior about a case, I need to have read the entire file – even stuff that may not seem completely germane to my question – so that I can answer his questions and have an informed discussion about the issues of the case. (Sometimes doing this will resolve what you saw as a potential problem anyway.) If I do have a problem, I explain the problem and the potential solutions, i.e., I can do A, B, or C with this. Doing this saves your boss time and helps you get a better result, because often they were thinking about/working on something else or don’t know/remember the specifics of your project. I’ve used this strategy in multiple workplaces and found that it helps both me and my bosses.”

6. Find things interesting

“If you don’t find something interesting, it’s your job to find something about it that interests you. My mom gave me this advice when I was in university (and bored by required courses). But, it became excellent career advice for me down the road, and opened a lot of doors.”

7. Own your mistakes and then move on

“If you make a mistake, own it and move on. Don’t try to hide it or its impact.  Don’t blame others.  Take responsibility.  Then stop obsessing over it. It happened, you learned from it, and you’re past it.”

8. Align your emotional energy with your priorities in life

“The best advice I ever got was: Force rank the activities and people in your life. For example, maybe your kids are 1, parents 2, friends 3, employees 4 … boss 10. Then, work to ensure that your time and emotional energy expenditure are aligned with that ranking. If my boss ranks a 10 and I react to something with a very high emotional energy level (high stress, etc.), then I’m using emotional energy that I should be expending on my kids on my boss. My mentor told me that I’m essentially ‘stealing’ emotional energy from the important people in my life by overreacting to my boss.

This structure helps me keep my emotional energy and time expenditure in alignment with my priorities. So when I start to react to something, I ask myself if it makes sense or am I overreacting based upon my priorities. As a part of this structure, I found myself reducing the number of hours at work and increasing the amount of time with my kids.

Amazingly enough, this exercise helped me succeed far more at work because I’m more consistent and steady at work. I get more done and I’m more trusted because I don’t overreact very often. I’m also happier and comfortable with where I am with my job. It was very hard to implement, but very worth it!”

9. Be responsive

“My former boss’s very successful father once told me 90% of professional success is returning all your calls and emails. He was exaggerating a bit, but it was good advice because it can be easy to ignore certain requests, emails, or calls from people. And if you make the effort to respond to everything, you’re way ahead of most professionals who tend to ignore a lot.”

10. Work will still be here tomorrow

“‘It will all still be here tomorrow,’ said by a former boss (a big deal VP at a big company), looking at a giant pile of work I was frantically attacking on a Friday night. It was good advice because it was a dose of reality from an extremely hardworking person, that there is no such place as ‘done.’ Her point at the time was that I should get some rest because the world won’t end if I don’t finish XYZ tonight. But what I learned from it was perspective, focus, and strategy. You can wear yourself out trying to cross an ever-retreating finish line, or you can figure out how to approach your work in a meaningful way that addresses what you’re really trying to do.”

*  *  *  *  *

What’s the best work advice you ever received? Let us know, below, then head on over to The Worst Work Advice You Ever Received to see what horrors your peers have shared with you.

Here’s the question, with our experts’ responses below:

I’ve been at my current job for two years and really enjoyed working here until the last six months. In a nutshell, I was given an account management position when the old acct manager quit, and was left doing a two-person job by myself until I finally announced I was not prepared for this and wanted to step down. It was decided I would still be doing most of the account manager duties, but that my supervisor would be the “face” of the company when dealing with clients. It’s still a lot more work than I was used to, but I find it manageable and even enjoyable most of the time. 

At the time I stepped down, my boss was very sympathetic and supportive. Now, however, she seems to be going out of her way to make me feel like an idiot. Whenever I ask a question in a meeting or make some sort of comment, her reply is always impatient and often sarcastic. This is something I have much difficulty dealing with; I can take it once in a while, but not multiple times every single day, and I’m at the point where I just can’t keep my mouth shut. Whenever she makes some rude or sarcastic remark, I find myself firing right back at her, even in front of others (including my direct supervisor). I’m just not sure what I did to inspire her attitude toward me, or what I can do to make it better. I’m not sure what she expects of me. Any insight would be much appreciated.

Alexandra Levit says:

Turning down or stepping down from a promotion isn’t necessarily bad in and of itself, and it sounds like you acted in your own best interest as well as the best interest of the organization. However, without more detail, it’s hard to know exactly what transpired when you announced your resignation. If you weren’t as diplomatic or positive about the situation as you could have been, it could have sullied your reputation with this particular manager, who may now think you’re not as dedicated and/or competent as before. She may also resent your decision because it means more work and/or agita for her. And finally, every time you and the boss get into an argument in public, it escalates the problem and it sounds like you are now near the point of all-out war.

I understand how upsetting this must be for you, and feel that it’s time to nip it in the bud. Invite her to lunch or coffee. Sit down with her, swallow your pride, and acknowledge that your relationship has suffered since you stepped down from your prior role. Ask her what you can do to ensure that the two of you can work more effectively together. Even if you feel that the unpleasantness is mostly her fault, taking ownership and responsibility for getting things back on the right track will endear you to her. After all, it’s hard to be too critical of someone who earnestly wants to improve things. Hopefully, the conversation will also be a wake up call in the event that she is truly clueless about how her remarks are being perceived. Even though it’s hard to address conflict directly, a response like this is the mature one, and both of you will be happier and more productive in the long run.

Anita Bruzzese says:

First, as difficult as it may be, you’ve got to set aside your hurt and anger and resentment because your emotions are going to be a roadblock to getting this issue resolved.

Second, take ownership of your part in this. Could it be that your boss has resentments of her own, such as feeling you threw an opportunity back in her face and you’re ungrateful for what she’s done for you?

Third, sit down and have an honest conversation with her. Stick to the facts and explain that you appreciate her support when you chose to step down, but now you’re getting the message that she may not believe you are intelligent or capable of doing the job. Say something like, “I’m starting to feel like you don’t trust me. I was wondering if there’s a problem that we can address so that our working relationship remains smooth.”

Make sure you give her time to respond and listen carefully. Don’t get defensive when she offers her opinion or that will shut down the discussion.

Finally, don’t put this conversation on the back burner. That will only give your emotions more time to take over and build a bigger case against your boss.

Eva Rykrsmith says:

When someone leaves the company but the position is not filled by either a) adding a new staff member or b) decreasing productivity, it creates stress for everyone who surrounds that role. That stress first fell on you, and when you spoke up about it, that stress was distributed between you and your supervisor. Whereas you are now finding it manageable, she is likely feeling that added stress and not dealing with it well.

That being said, nobody needs to put up with continuous rudeness and sarcastic comments. Proactively, you can opt to have a private chat with her when you both are in a calm state of mind. Start by asking for her feedback about your performance lately. Make it clear you are open to hearing constructive criticism. This can open up the lines of communication and will start the conversation off on a positive, non-threatening note for her.

Reactively, you can stand up for yourself when these passive-aggressive comments are made by politely forcing a direct question. Don’t push for resolution or apology, but speak up and then let it go. Start pushing back a little bit in this way, and you will likely find the comment will start to decline.

Alison Green says:

Like Alexandra, Anita, and Eva, I agree that you need to talk to your manager and find out what’s going on. Whenever you’re puzzled or disturbed by comments or actions from your manager, the worst thing you can do is keep your head down and hope that it gets better on your own. That only ensures that you’ll miss the chance to find out what’s happening in your manager’s head and that you’ll be unable to respond productively to her concerns, which can leave you in a very vulnerable position.

So talk to her. Sit down and say something like, “I’m getting the sense lately that you’re frustrated with my work. You’ve made several comments that sounded irritated or impatient with me, and I’m concerned about what’s going on. If there are things you’d like me to be doing differently, I’d really appreciate knowing.” I’d avoid assuming that she’s angry that you backed out of your new role; she might be, but it might be something altogether different, so let her tell you herself what’s going on.

Meanwhile, no matter what her response to this conversation, you also need to stop being rude or sarcastic back to her. Not only do you risk further harming the relationship (and future references), and you also risk harming your image with other people who see it and think you’re handling the situation unprofessionally. If it’s at the point where you really can’t control your responses, you’re better off looking for another position rather than risking your own professionalism and reputation.

I recently applied for an internal promotion to be manager of the small team I serve. I was unsuccessful. Two questions. First, I was “let down easy”–the hiring manager said things like “it was close” and “we want to keep you.” But isn’t being turned down for the role essentially a repudiation of me? If they really wanted to keep me, I feel like they would have considered offering me some incentive to remain. I am reading it as a clear sign that I should move on.

That notwithstanding, how do I establish rapport with the new manager, an external candidate who I was in competition with and lost out to? Do I specifically acknowledge that I applied for his role but that now I am ready to be a great team member, colleague, and partner? The truth is that I might have a hard time being an enthusiastic team member now that I’ve been rejected for this particular advancement.

First, no, being turned down for a promotion isn’t a repudiation of you! Firing you from your current role would be a repudiation of you, but you were explicitly told that the promotion decision was no reflection on you and that your employer wants to keep you. That’s no repudiation.

After all, imagine if you were hiring for that position and had a good internal candidate, but a much stronger external one. You’d have to make the decision that was in the best interests of the organization and hire the stronger candidate – but that wouldn’t mean that you didn’t value the internal candidate. Not at all! In fact, hiring managers have to deal with this all the time; if they have one slot but multiple great candidates, that means that they’re going to be rejecting some great candidates. It’s just the reality of the math when you only have a single open slot.

So it’s key for you to stop feeling that you’re being nudged to move on. It sounds like just the opposite of that. But if you let yourself continue to feel that way, it has the potential to make you feel bitter and could even cause you to leave a job that you were happy in before this happened. That’s not necessary to do to yourself – and it’s something within your control.

As for getting along with your new manager, you don’t need to acknowledge to her that you applied for her job, although you certainly can if you’d feel better having it in the open. The best thing you can do, though, is to show that you’re ready to be a great team member by … well, by demonstrating it. Be open to her ideas, do great work, and continue to contribute to the team at a high level. If you’re doing that, she’s not going to worry that you’re uncomfortable with her – because your work will speak for itself.

Now, if you find that you can’t do that, then you might be better off looking for a different position somewhere else, before you harm your reputation with your coworkers and your current company. Right now, they think highly enough of you that you were a serious contender for a promotion, and you shouldn’t risk that good reputation with them by allowing resentment to affect the way you operate at work.

But I’d give it a good faith effort before you conclude that you need to go in that direction. And meanwhile, why not ask the hiring manager you interviewed with for feedback about what you can work on to have a stronger chance at promotion in the future?

Have you ever found yourself in this situation?  How did you react?

A former coworker reached out to me via LinkedIn recently to ask if I’d be willing to serve as a reference for him during his job search. He is leaving the company where I used to work in a role that was semi-managerial. He was a great coworker and valuable member of our team, so I agreed, but I’m not sure what I need to do to be prepared to give him the reference he deserves.

I’ve never been asked to serve as a reference before, so I honestly don’t know what I just agreed to and what the most professional way to approach this is. Most of the advice I’ve seen is regarding people for whom you don’t feel comfortable giving a good reference. Any tips you could provide on what to be sure to mention or avoid and how to stay within the boundaries of professional (rather than personal) comments would be great.

Well, first, good for you for thinking about this in advance rather than just winging it once you get the reference call.  A lot of references don’t bother to prepare, and as a result don’t give the information that could most help the person they’re recommending.  Here are a few things to keep in mind when you’re called upon to be a reference:

Spend a few minutes preparing before you get the call.

The best thing that you can do is to take a few minutes to think about what made this colleague good at his job. Why did you enjoy working with him? What about him stood out? What did he achieve during his time there? What is he strongest at? And then, on the opposite side, what could he work on improving in? What types of jobs would he not be a good fit for?

You don’t need to spend more than a few minutes thinking this through, but the mere act of doing it will help you surface pertinent information when a reference-checker calls you. And if you’re someone who likes to have notes, don’t be shy about making a few notes for yourself either.

Be specific and stay focused on work.

Then, when you get the reference call, you’ll be prepared to talk. Most reference-checkers will have a prepared list of questions to ask you, so don’t worry that you’ll be expected to deliver a monologue. You’ll simply respond to the person’s questions, making sure to emphasize your former colleague’s strengths. Keep your answers focused on his work life; it’s fine to comment on his work, his attitude at work, and his relations with managers coworkers, but not on things related to his health or personal life.

And the more specific you can be in your answers, the better. “John was great to work with” is nice to hear, but “John never missed a deadline, went out of his way to ensure his work was flawless and free of errors, and was one of the most creative people on our staff when it came to generating workable ideas to increase revenue” is much more useful.

Pay attention to your tone.

Also keep in mind that the reference-checker is going to be paying attention to how enthusiastic you are. A lot of information can be conveyed through your tone, and if you really think highly of this colleague, make sure that your tone conveys it. Don’t hesitate to be openly enthusiastic if that reflects how you really feel. There’s a big difference between “John would be welcome to reapply with us in the future” and “I would move heaven and earth to hire John back again if I could.” If the latter is closer to how you feel, say so! This isn’t the time to be circumspect.

On the other hand, if your assessment of is more lukewarm than that, don’t gush effusively just because you think you’re supposed to. The value of references isn’t just that they help employers make good hires (although they do); it’s also that they help job candidates end up in roles that are the best match for them. So be open and honest, and you’ll have done your job well.