How to Respond When You’re Verbally Attacked at Work

verbally abuse at work

While most of us expect criticism from time to time at work, is anyone ever prepared for a verbal assault from a colleague that leaves us humiliated, angry or stunned?

It might be a snide comment about your appearance, or it might be outright yelling about your performance on a project. No matter the situation, such actions leave many people tongue-tied as they try to formulate the correct response. Should you yell back? Walk away? Report the incident to human resources or just ignore it?

First, it might be helpful to realize that you’re not the only one to be on the receiving end of uncivil behavior. Some 63% of Americans say incivility remains a “major problem,” with 71% saying that civility has dropped in recent years, finds a recent study.

A poor economy, tight job market and an increasing workload can cause many workers to snap, lashing out at colleagues to allay their own insecurities or simply as a way to release some steam. Also, while you may see your colleagues every day, they may not be personally close to you. In other words, sometimes it’s easier to be rude to the person who is an acquaintance at work rather than a valued friend or family member, so colleagues may not think twice about scolding or belittling you.

Still, you can’t let verbal attacks go unanswered. You don’t want to start a tit-for-tat situation where you heap equal measures of scorn on the person or hurl insults, but you also don’t want to set yourself up as bully bait.

Further, keep in mind that bosses hate to get in the middle of such battles, so it’s best to try and handle it on your own, if possible.

So how do you respond when you’re on the receiving end of a verbal barrage from a co-worker?

  • Walk away. If a conversation starts to get out of hand, tell the other person that you won’t be spoken to in such a way. Say you’re willing to talk later when things are calmer. When you revisit the issue, find somewhere private to have a conversation.
  • Step back. When someone is attacking you, try to step back from the situation and recognize the action isn’t about you. Something else has triggered the emotion in the other person.  You just happen to be the unlucky recipient of that emotion. Keep in mind that personal concerns – a sick family member or financial difficulties – can often be behind co-worker’s verbal explosions at work.
  • Remember to breathe. A natural reaction to a verbal assault is to tense up and begin breathing rapidly – or not at all.  Become aware of your breathing, taking air in by your mouth and expelling it through your nose. That will help you control your reactions and not behave unprofessionally even when the other person is acting like a jerk.
  • Set boundaries. If a co-worker makes a snarky comment about your private life, for example, don’t hesitate to tell the colleague such comments are inappropriate. Make sure you don’t try to tell the other person what to do, such as, “You shouldn’t talk to me that way.” (They can – and probably will – choose to ignore you.) Simply focus on what you want by saying, “I don’t like it and I want you to stop” or “I am not going to listen to this anymore. When you’re ready to discuss this professionally, I will talk to you.”

Finally, remember to be good to yourself after being on the receiving end of a verbal attack. It’s not easy to erase ugly words, no matter how tough you may believe yourself to be. Reach out to family and friends, go for a walk, play with your dog or meditate – whatever makes you feel better. Also keep in mind that even though such experiences can be painful, there are lessons to be learned. Reflect back on the situation and evaluate how you might respond better in the future or what you can learn to improve your own communication efforts.

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  • PaperTrader8

    Sorry this blog post is too general to be of any use.
    At least recommend a book that someone can read.

  • Singh Khalsa

    good to know,,,,,I get this treatment today and now I am feeling little better

  • Guest

    I didn’t find this post helpful or encouraging. Also, what about telling HR?

  • Anita Bruzzese

    I can’t really see why this wouldn’t be helpful to someone unless they’ve tried all the suggestions and they didn’t work. In that case, HR would be the only recourse. But, I will say that not all companies have HR people trained to handle this issue, so it may only make the situation worse and you’ll still need to find ways to handle such attacks. If the person becomes a bully, you might want to consider checking http://www.workplacebullying.org/..

  • Max

    …how about when sarcasm is used when redirected by a supervisor.
    I find it very dificult to deal with downgrade remarks and sarcasm.

  • guest

    Its seems to me that the article does not address the issue that the work place above all other things should be a safe place free from any unwanted verbal, physical, or emotional abuse. Its too bad that in america and the world we reward the jerks in the work place and the rest of us have to find another job. I say as soon as it is found that a jerk is in the work place fire his but and don,t let him ever get a job again.

  • Isabelle

    What a stupid suggestion – to not get a boss involved. Okay then- perpetuate the problem by not bringing attention to the situation. Poor advice.

  • Curtis Mattison

    a guy at work that has PTSD and admits he has a short fuse. we were talking about PTSD and he didn’t like what me and another guy were saying because i was not what he knew to be true . and everything was fine then all at one time he just went crazy and started screaming and saying he was going to hurt me and that’s saying it nicely and started at me. i was saying time out time out time out. were just talking back off and he just keeped coming and so when i finely got cornered i yelled back that he doesn’t now me and If he want to fight come on. in hopes he would come to his senses it didn’t work i walked away because by that time others had came and was telling him to back off and that gave me a way out . oh he is very big and strong and a X Marine. what i don’t get is that they sent both home and told us not to come back till HR called and told us we could. . I’m the victim here and I’m be treated like i did something wrong. what should i do? i cant sleep I’m scared this guy is going to come fined me and I’m scared to go back to work. help PLEASE? email me if you can help curtismattison@hotmail.com

  • susan

    I was just verbally attacked in my office and called all kinds of names including a horrible supervisor. The employer did a lot of curing and had her fist balled up and demanded to be in my office alone. I told her no and she said “why are you scared of getting beat up”. I was humiliated because all the staff was there to witness and what will they think they can get away with next. Also, I wAs afraid she was gonna hit me. she was pacing the floor and biting her lip as if she was not the same person that I had worked with. I have seen her using inappropriate language before and spoke to her about this but its gotten out of control. She has been allowed to come back to work and I have been off. I am terrified to go back to work and she is there. She has been bragging to staff about the situation. Any advice! I notified HR today and they were suppose to call me back and never did. Tom I have to go to work and face her.